When She Was Ours

Prologue

Astra is nine years old, flying to Chicago with her mother, when the passenger in front of them has a panic attack. Astra has never seen anything like it. She sits frozen in her seat as the woman screams that she cannot breathe, runs into the galley, spins around, and sprints back down the aisle. Her mother tells Astra everything will be okay, unclips her seat belt, and stands. A steward tells her to sit down, but she puts a hand on his arm and says, calmly, "It's all right, I'm a doctor." With those words, he steps aside.

Astra watches her mother walk toward the screaming woman. She is wearing high-waisted grey wool pants and a creamy white blouse with buttons down the front. Her mother always dresses well on airplanes, perhaps because she knows she might be called on in an emergency. The passenger shrieks that she needs to get off, her mouth stretched unnaturally wide, and to Astra it feels like the woman is screaming at her mother. She wonders if her mother is scared. Then, just before her mother reaches her, the woman lunges across two men in the emergency exit row and tries to grab the handle to open the door. Her mother moves quickly, pulls her back, takes the woman's hands in her own, and tells her to breathe.

The cabin goes completely silent. Astra sees a man come out of the lavatory, freeze, and stand in the galley watching the two women. There is a look on his face that Astra does not understand then, but she will later. Her mother tells a crew member to put people in front of all the exits, in the kind of voice Astra imagines she must use in the operating room. He rushes down the aisle.

Later, her mother will tell Astra that the woman could never have gotten the door open, that the pressure outside is too great and the door is not designed to open in the air. But even that information cannot blur the edges of the memory or the charge it carries. Her mother keeps taking long, slow breaths, clasping the woman's hands, explaining that she was panicking and not breathing deeply enough to get oxygen, telling her she is doing great now and to count in and out.

When Astra thinks back on that day, she realizes something she has always known but could not put into words: her mother is capable. She has a capable, unflappable, brave mother, and other people see it too. It gives her mother an authority that other women, Astra notices, are often not given.

After the incident on the plane, whenever terrifying situations present themselves, a low calm comes over Astra, a sense of what needs to be done. In high school, when her friend starts choking on a piece of steak, she leaps across the table and performs the Heimlich they learned in CPR class. One summer at the pool near her grandparents' house, she sees a small child jump into the deep end, feet first, like he is jumping into a puddle, and sink to the bottom. She sprints to the side, sees him standing under the water with his arms up and a look of surprise on his face, lies flat on the ground, and pulls him out so quickly that he scrapes his stomach on the rough concrete lip. When his mother runs over, her face full of such a plain and naked fear that Astra has to look away, it feels too private. Astra walks behind the clubhouse and sobs.

The crying afterward, her fear for that tiny child, that is Astra. But the part of her that can act in an emergency, that is her mother. The day on the plane, her mother's calmness and authority, imprinted on her. But somebody has to be in danger. That is how it works.

Part I: The Wedding

Part I: The Wedding

In February 1996, a ten-minute taxi ride brings Astra back to Longfellow College. Three weeks ago she left in a frantic scramble after her mother was hospitalized with a lung embolism. The race home became a race to her mother's bedside, and then to her funeral. When the taxi driver asks if she had a fun weekend, she smiles and says she did. She has learned that her job as a girl with a dying mother is to put others at ease.

In her room, the window seat is filled with flower arrangements. She reads the cards one by one; the rote words of comfort move her deeply. Sonia's note welcomes her back, promising dinner. Astra has never had a friend who is both so different from her and so aligned.

She checks her mail. Wedged on top is a pale-blue envelope. She recognizes the writing immediately. She walks straight back to her dorm, shuts the door, and opens the letter from her mother.

The letter is dated from the hospital. Her mother writes that she misses Astra and loves her, and wanted there to be no confusion about how proud she is. She mentions the wedding, the courage Astra showed that summer, and her worry about the toll it took. "You've always had courage, but I worry about the toll it took on you, how you always just keep going, in your quiet way. Just remember your kindness is a strength, even if people underestimate it."

Astra reads the letter again, and a third time. Why did her mother decide to write about the wedding now? She usually pushes away thoughts of that night, but they come swarming back: the sliver of moon, her mother kneeling on the wet dock, her aunt screaming, and Astra running for the tent faster than she has ever run in her life. She lies down on her bed, pulls her knees into her stomach, and only then lets herself cry.

June 1995, New Jersey

From the window of the upstairs bedroom, Astra and her mother watch the wedding tent going up in the lower field. Her sister Phoebe is directing the workers. Astra asks if she should go down and help. "Help Phoebe? That's like asking if you should help Napoleon. Only if you dare."

Her mother pats a spot on the bed, and Astra climbs on, laying her head on her mother's shoulder. Her mother has been loving and supportive of the elaborate wedding from the start, even though she views the scale as preposterous.

Phoebe rushes in, flushed and smiling, asking for the Fels-Naptha soap because she just waded through poison ivy. Both sisters still call their mother "Mommy." They can't find the soap, and Astra's stomach gives a strange little jerk as her joy curdles into worry. "No, Mommy, you stay, we're fine, please don't get up." Her mother says, "It's okay, sweetheart," and Astra protests no further.

The point of view shifts to Thea. She uses the IV pole to stand. Her daughter is so matter-of-fact about the physical help Thea needs. Thea is wearing her light-green summer robe, her hair a short stubborn grey. She and Astra went to the Garment District to buy a wig for the wedding. "It's not for my vanity, my loves, it's to put other people at ease."

At the bathroom, Phoebe shucks off her clothes and turns on the water. Thea watches her eldest daughter's healthy, youthful body. Raising a child is a completely physical act. She remembers the afternoon they heard Phoebe screaming in the playhouse, and how Astra grabbed a toy broom and swatted a bobcat away from her sister. Later, Tom poured them each four fingers of scotch. "I don't know if I'm up for this. The thought of something getting at Phoebe or Astra. I go crazy." Thea put her hand over his and squeezed. "Luckily, I'm sure something will happen to us first," she said, and they laughed.

Suddenly Thea feels exhausted. For healthy people, fatigue creeps up over time, but for her it is like stubbing a toe. She asks Astra, more sharply than she means to, to help her back to bed.

The Sisters on the Stone Wall

Astra pulls the covers up over her mother, who is already asleep. Under the light summer quilt she looks tiny as a child. Astra pads downstairs to Phoebe's room to grab her fresh clothes. Everything is neat and orderly, as if the room already understands that Phoebe doesn't live here. Phoebe will marry young, and Astra will never marry, and thus they will balance each other out.

At 5 p.m. Astra sits with her sister on the stone wall by the driveway. Phoebe says quietly, "I haven't seen Mom like that since her first surgery. I'm worried the wedding is too much for her." Astra puts her arms around Phoebe's shoulders. "Your wedding is what's keeping her going." Phoebe jokes that now they'll just have to find someone for Astra to marry. They both laugh.

When their father Tom and Eli drive up, Phoebe hugs her father first, before her fiancé. His throat feels hot; his daughter came to him first, and the sweetness of it moves him deeply.

Tom always says Thea fell in love with him because he had a happy childhood. What still astonishes him is that Thea loved the house in New Jersey. Before she got sick, she would run through the big field with her arms thrown wide. He could not believe his luck. And then their luck had changed. "I guess the universe is trying to even the score," Thea said after her diagnosis. He told her she was being ridiculous, but deep down he felt the same way.

Thea's Vigil

Thea knows Tom will be up soon, checking on her. The other night, seeing a full glass next to her in bed, he started yelling about dehydration and going back to the hospital. She knows that underneath the anger, it is only fear.

When the doctors told her she had only two more years to live, Thea drove to Providence to see an old medical school classmate, David Wanabo. He performs a risky surgery that could cure her. Tom and Phoebe and her sister all want her to have the operation, but Astra begged her not to. Astra asked what if it kills her, or what if she ends up in bed for the rest of her life. Astra raised her voice: "You always just shut conversations like this down, with your doctor card. I hate it." Thea listens, then admits, "No." Astra says, "Well, that's how I feel about you." Thea holds her as she cries. Thea understands now, and it breaks her heart, but she will have the operation anyway.

In the end, she cannot have the surgery. They find an offshoot of cancer in her leg, and David refuses to operate if it has spread. But they still talk about once a month. Finally David tells her gently that he knows what she wants him to say, and he can't say it. His kids aren't okay. But they had enough time with Marcy for him to know they will eventually be okay, and he believes that for her daughters as well.

Astra in the Woods

Amid the warm hubbub of her father and Eli's arrival, Astra slips away for a walk alone. When she comes back, she finds her sister crying. Phoebe says Mommy is so weak, and asks what if she collapses. Astra tries to comfort her. What she doesn't say is that she sometimes thinks she is the bad person. Ever since the operation in Rhode Island that never happened, Astra has felt a small but distinct space between her and the rest of her family. They all rooted for the procedure; she did not. When the operation is called off, a hot, violent guilt flames inside her.

Astra walks for half an hour in the cool, deep woods. Then, out of the corner of her eye, she sees something move, something huge and dark. She freezes. It is at least fifty yards away. She has never seen a bear here, but she knows they exist. The fear is astonishing, cold and plain, so different from the anxiety and worry of the past years. She steps backward again but wills herself not to turn and run. Then the animal turns and moves away with a slowness Astra understands: anything that large has nothing to fear in these woods.

She runs and runs with an adrenaline rush that makes her feel like she could run forever. She reaches her parents' property line, ringed by a tall fence with a gate they never use. She grabs the latch and pulls; it grudgingly gives an inch. She works it up and down, then pulls again. She gives the latch one last yank, it springs free, and she puts her shoulder into the gate. She slips through. She has crossed to safety. Astra does not know it then, but this will not be the first door shut against her during a moment of danger.

Thea Hears the Commotion

Thea hears a ruckus outside, someone running. With effort, she lifts her legs, swings them to the side of the bed, and unhooks the IV. Slowly she makes her way to the top of the stairs. Then her daughter barrels straight into her arms. Astra chokes out what happened. She says several times that she isn't sure what she saw, that it might have just been a dog. It is not a dog

Part II: The Promise

Part II: The Promise

Nick wakes in his childhood bedroom on the Upper West Side, startled by the familiar white alarm clock from elementary school. He has deferred from NYU Law for a year, telling his parents he wants to work as a paralegal, but really it is a stall. He keeps remembering Astra standing in front of him after he confessed to giving Allie the drinks. She looked hurt, but there was also compassion on her face. His mother calls through the door: Thea Erickson is on the phone.

Thea records her temperature in the notebook she keeps by her bed, her cancer diary. As a doctor, she cannot tolerate wild hopes. The phone rings: a hospital scheduling clerk calls her "Mrs. Erickson." She corrects her, "It's Dr. Erickson." This is Columbia Presbyterian, where she has worked for decades, and now she is just a cancer patient.

Minutes later her mother calls. Her mother, eighty years old and recovering from hip surgery, insists on coming over. When her mother arrives, Thea is genuinely glad to see her. They talk about the girls and Tom. Thea admits she is worried about leaving Tom holding the bag. Her mother says Thea is the center of the family, and after she is gone, they will have to figure out who they are without her. Thea confesses she worries how hard her daughters will work, especially Astra, to hold it all together. Her mother says Thea has raised two girls who take after her. Thea, longing for her mother's love expressed fiercely, tells her mother that Phoebe and Astra know down to their bones how Thea feels about them. Her mother replies: "Why would I need to say it? You are my child, of course I love you." Thea starts crying. Her mother comes and sits beside her. "I am going to say this so you hear it, Thea. My heart will break when you are gone."

Ever since the wedding, Thea has been having strange dreams. In one recurring dream, she sees Astra running alone through an overripe fairy-tale garden, something unseen behind her, and Astra's face is full of raw fear. The dream does not feel like a nightmare, but like a sign. During her long illness, she has come to understand that maybe she dismissed too quickly the other ways the body tries to communicate.

The week before Thanksgiving, Thea finally decides to call Patty. She asks for Nick's number at law school. Patty tells her Nick is still at home, having deferred for a year. Nick picks up, surprised. Thea asks if he can meet her for dinner next week. He agrees. As she hangs up, she thinks: whatever you might say of Nick, he is not a coward.

Thea had only learned the full story of what happened between Nick and Astra the morning after the wedding, when Astra appeared at her door at 7:30 a.m. and crawled wordlessly into bed beside her. Astra tells Thea about Nick giving Allie the drinks and not stopping her when she ran toward the pond. Astra asks if Thea is disappointed in her, because she liked Nick, because she still likes him even after this horrible thing. Thea tells her Nick pulled Allie out of the water too, that there's a lot of blame to go around. Astra says her father would never do anything like that, and Thea would never do anything like that. And Thea thinks: not like that. But she has done things that are wrong, things that would surprise her daughter. Astra tells her what she said to Nick: that she told him not to call her, that she wished she were the kind of person who could get over what he did, but she's not. Thea tells her that if she wants to be with him, it doesn't make her less of a good person. She would back her. But Astra says nothing, just shakes her head and lies down, turning her face to the wall.

The restaurant Thea picks for dinner with Nick is a small Italian spot on the Upper East Side. She arrives early so Nick won't see how long it takes her to cross the room. She is altered beyond recognition, her grey skim of hair, skin pulled tight against the bones of her face like a mask. Armand the maitre d' takes her hand, says it's so good to see her again. When she says his name, his eyes fill with tears.

Nick walks in, wearing a suit with a school tie. His hair has grown; he somehow looks younger than at the wedding. He settles in across from her, nervous, no idea why he is here, perhaps thinking she has come to berate him. But what she feels for him most is compassion. She thanks him for coming.

He asks about Astra. She tells him Astra is doing well and will be home for Thanksgiving. Nick nods, but his disappointment is plain. Thea changes the subject, telling him she is there to ask for his help. She reminds him that Allie might not have survived if he had not gotten her out of the water quickly, that he stayed calm on the dock. Nick quietly says Thea saved him too, that she gave him a life that is recoverable, and that he never thanked her.

Thea watches him, then asks for a promise. She admits it may not be fair, and that the thing may never come to pass, but it will give her peace of mind. Nick looks almost eager. Thea understands he wants a chance to atone, and she uses that knowledge to extract the promise. When she finishes, he simply looks at her, but he gives his word, with emotion in his voice. She reaches out her hand, he takes it, and she thanks him. A sense of lightness settles over her.

Their food arrives, and they eat in unembarrassed silence. Then Nick suddenly tells her he is not going to law school. His parents do not know yet. He says the summer taught him something: he is not going to sleepwalk into a life another person planned. He tells her he wants to go to medical school, that he has started postbacc classes at Columbia to apply next fall. Thea cannot hide her pleasure. Nick says the wedding made him realize what he wants is to be like Thea. She tells him he would make a good doctor, something she never says lightly. His face lights up with joy.

Thanksgiving 1995, New Jersey

Thea puts on her long puffy coat and walks to the tree outside the kitchen window and back, just to feel the cold on her face. Astra appears, bundled in her old plaid bathrobe and an absurd knit hat. Astra is home for Thanksgiving, but she still looks exhausted. Thea feels the same fierce, physical need to care for her as she did when the girls were young.

Astra takes her hand and asks Thea to sit with her while she has breakfast. Thea reflects that you cannot program quality time, even though she knows she is exactly trying to program time this Thanksgiving. Thirteen people will come: Eli is bringing his parents, his brother Micah, Micah's wife Eliza, and their two young children; Elizabeth, her divorce finalized, is flying in with their mother; and Allie will stay with her father, still too traumatized to come back. In Thea's mind, this Thanksgiving is meant to create a tradition that can continue without her. Tom snaps at her, saying she should focus on her health instead of stage-managing everything after she is gone. She tells him, "I'm dying either way, Tom," and watches him deflate. Tom admits he knows she thinks he will be a complete mess, but he can hold it together for their daughters. Thea says she does not think that, though she does, a little. She keeps a notebook by her bed where she writes guidelines for the conversations Tom will need to have with their children after she dies. Then she asks him how many more of these she will get, really. Tom says okay in a soft voice, and Thea feels a small thrill of victory.

The Thanksgiving Table

Phoebe surveys the place cards, wondering if she should move her mother-in-law farther away from her grandmother. Her mother reassures her that Grandy never raises controversial topics at dinner. Phoebe remembers the first time she met Mrs. Friedman, a woman who talked about strangers with such stamina and detail that Phoebe did not speak for thirty minutes. But after the night Thea told Phoebe and Astra her cancer was terminal, Mrs. Friedman showed up with a hamper of food and flowers, hugged Phoebe, put on an apron, and stashed Tupperware in the fridge with taped labels. For weeks, every time Phoebe opened one of those containers, she felt loved by a woman who was not her mother.

Astra comes in with a wooden spoon, having helped her father with the stuffing. She confesses she feels like it is going to be a disaster. The turkey is about twenty minutes out.

When everyone sits down, the only sound is the clinking of knives on plates. Then Mrs. Friedman asks Grandy the secret to having two daughters who are doctors. Grandy pauses, folds her napkin, and says her secret was doing nothing. Her daughters found their own way; calling your own children courageous is just complimenting yourself. The table laughs. Grandy tells a story about Nancy Bissell asking how she could march with all those wild-looking people at Vietnam protests. Eli asks, "Were you afraid?" Grandy answers that she was not afraid her own children or nephews would be drafted, because they knew the right people and could

Part III: The Pitch-Black Room

Part III: The Pitch-Black Room

Astra returns to school four days after the funeral. Some people hug her; others glance away. She wonders if she came back too early, but work and routine help her. A girl named April hands her her mother's obituary. Astra already has copies, but she accepts it with gratitude. Later Sonia makes a face, and Astra stops her. April tried, and that means something.

On Friday night, Sonia convinces Astra to go to a party. They agree on a signal in case she wants to leave. They walk to a shabby off-campus house where seniors on the swim team live. Inside, the party is hot and loud. Jordan, Farris's son, lifts Astra off the floor in a hug. He says he was worried about her coming back so early, but his mom told him routines are good for processing grief. He invites them to brunch the next day.

Later, waiting for the bathroom, Sonia warns Astra that Cynthia Wolf is staring at her. Cynthia is a senior, impossibly cool. She comes over and asks if Astra dropped Professor Huynh's class. Astra says no, she went home for family stuff. Cynthia mentions Jeremy Tate, who was denied an extension after losing everything in a fire. Astra feels a small sour feeling. Cynthia then asks how Astra knows Jordan Price, if they're dating. Astra explains their mothers went to college together. Cynthia looks relieved. Sonia challenges her, and Cynthia asks what Sonia is, Astra's mother. Both girls go silent. Astra forces herself to speak evenly and tells Cynthia there's no problem. Cynthia walks away.

Chapter Twenty-Eight

The next day, Jordan, Astra, and Sonia have brunch at Books Café. Sonia says Cynthia Wolf has a thing for Jordan. Jordan reveals he heard Cynthia blackballed someone from Papyrus, one of the oldest secret societies at Longfellow. Jordan is in it with her. Astra is surprised. Sonia jokes about Cynthia, and Jordan turns to Sonia and says he heard she was being interviewed by Artemis. Something passes over Sonia's face. She says it's nothing. Astra never knew Sonia had been approached. Now, knowing Jordan is in one and Sonia is being courted, something twists inside her. Not envy, exactly, but the rawness of being left out. She thought grief would be like a fire sweeping everything away, but instead the loss of her mother and the feeling of not being picked exist side by side.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Astra arrives early to her Literature in the Gilded Age seminar. Cynthia comes in and sits a few seats away. Professor Huynh enters and stops to say hello to Astra, putting a hand on her shoulder. The class discusses Edith Wharton's The House of Mirth. Cynthia says Lily Bart keeps sabotaging herself and it gets annoying. Astra responds that Lily's tragic flaw is that she must marry for wealth but can't bring herself to make the mercenary exchange. Cynthia dismisses it as dramatic. Astra looks down at the table. She thinks of her mother slipping away under morphine. Cynthia's offhanded words sting. Astra feels something close to hatred.

Astra says she doesn't understand why Cynthia is so hard on Lily. Cynthia says Astra is making Lily sound like a feminist folk hero. Astra says she feels that way too. A weird silence follows. Atticus, a senior on the squash team, stirs to life and says Lily understands the game but refuses to play it, and that's defiance. Astra had one date with Atticus her freshman year, then broke the second date to go home. It was the night her parents told her her mother's cancer was terminal. He never called her back. He says they've missed her and winks. Cynthia's face narrows with anger. Atticus says, "Don't worry, Cyn. We know you'd have locked Percy down in thirty seconds." Laughter breaks out. Cynthia turns on Astra with slitted fury. Then Astra sees Atticus lean over and whisper to Cynthia. They are together. The knowledge crashes upon Astra. She walks quickly out of the room.

Chapter Thirty

Astra goes back to her room. The phone rings. It's Nick Rosenfeld. He says he saw a missed call from her the night of her mother's service. She confirms it was her and says she saw him but he didn't come to the reception. He says he didn't think anyone wanted to see him there. She tells him she would have liked to see him. He says he really loved her eulogy. No one has actually said the words "your mother's death" since she returned. Nick says he deferred from NYU for a year. He says, "I guess I didn't have it all figured out, after all." She asks when he made that decision. He says they don't need to get into it now. She asks if they can talk again later. He says he'd like that.

A few days later, Nick calls again. He asks if people are being weird. She tries to explain the strange social tightrope she has walked since her mother died. She never knows who knows and who doesn't. When a stray remark brings up mothers, everyone freezes. Nick shares something from his rabbi: Americans are terrible at dealing with death. Then Nick tells her he told his parents he isn't going to law school. He's applying to medical school instead. His father took him to lunch and offered to buy him an apartment if he changed his mind. Astra asks what his mother said. Nick hesitates. His mother asked if he was doing this because of Astra's mom. Astra asks if it is why. Nick admits a part of it is. She feels jealous, almost possessive of her mother. She tells him her mother would be happy for him.

March 1996

A few weeks before spring break, Astra finds a note from Sonia: a guy called twice, wouldn't leave his name. The phone rings. A male voice asks if she has been contacted by any of the secret societies. No. He tells her she has come to the attention of Cross & Key. They would like to interview her. A bright, hot shock of surprise hits her. She calls Jordan. He tells her something she never knew: that's how their moms met. They were in a society called Elsinore. It's the first new fact Astra has learned about her mother since her death.

The Interview

Astra stands outside a metal door in a basement seminar room. She steps in. The room is pitch black. Two figures, both wearing hoods, both clearly men. A polished voice tells her not to worry. There's a chair in the middle of the room. She sits. They ask about her studies. She tells them she's an English major. One man in the corner laughs warmly. The leader redirects. They ask about her extracurriculars. Then comes the question: "Were there any big challenges you've had to overcome at Longfellow?" She talks about her mother being the first female chief of surgery, how she struggles with measuring up. The leader sounds bored.

Astra wishes she were Phoebe. Phoebe would know what to say. And then Astra knows what to say. She tells them they should be talking to her sister instead. Phoebe is beautiful, impossibly popular. She got married last summer, while Astra has never really been in a relationship. She feels the interest shift in the room. The leader asks if she thinks she avoids relationships. She trails off, thinking of Nick kissing her at the wedding. She says she didn't have a normal high school experience. Her mother was sick. Physical intimacy felt too vulnerable. There was something broken in her. There still is.

The leader asks if she had a bad experience with someone. She says no, not in the way he means. This summer she met someone, and it felt really rare and special, and then a terrible thing happened. She tells them about Nick, the sense of a door opening, the cold horror of Allie lying on the dock, her mother saving her, and the fight with Nick afterward. When she is done, the leader asks if there are other things she wishes she had done. In a quiet voice she says she's never slept with anyone before. She'd like to feel close enough to someone to do that. The room is silent. Astra is stunned at what she has said.

The leader asks: "What's the hardest thing that's ever happened to you?" She tells them: her mother dying. She tried to be there as much as she could. It was agonizing to see her mother diminished. She says she's still trying to figure out what it means to be in the world without her. "I miss her like a limb, always." She is close to tears.

The leader says he's sorry, then asks: "When did you lose your mother? I didn't know she had died." Astra says January. The man in the corner sounds upset. A long silence follows. Then the leader says his friend is mistaken, and he only has one last question. Would that be all right? She says yes.

"What's the worst thing you've ever done?" The answer comes to her. In January, when her mother was hospitalized for an infection, Astra and her family met with her doctor. And Astra told them not to give her the antibiotics. She wasn't the person in charge, but she changed the conversation. In some ways, she says, this was the best thing she ever did. But also, she couldn't bear it any longer. What if her mother really wanted those weeks? Astra didn't give her the choice. "Part of me wanted the person I love