When She Was Ours Themes
by Anna Nordberg
Underneath the story, the novel wrestles with how we hold onto someone after they're gone, and how much of a parent we ever really know. Astra's grief is carried in objects and dreams, but also in betrayal, as people exploit her vulnerability. Thea's hidden letters and old lover complicate the idea of motherhood. Both women perform calmness to protect others, raising questions about what love demands we hide.
On this page you'll find each major theme tied to concrete moments, like Phoebe's desperate wish for a child or the black room prank. You'll also find recurring symbols, including water, doors, the letter box, and maternal objects, and what they reveal about grief, hidden selves, and the impossibility of reducing a person to keepsakes.
Major Themes in When She Was Ours
Grief and maternal presence
Astra's grief after her mother's death is carried through physical remnants, dreams, and promises that keep Thea present. The book shows grief as ongoing and unresolved rather than something that ends with a funeral.
- Astra puts on her mother's green wool duster and smells her mother's perfume before walking into the cold after the funeral.
- Astra sits with Phoebe in their mother's room and thinks of 'the shape of her mother’s love, in the room with them.'
Mother-daughter love and legacy
Thea's love continues to shape her daughters' choices after her death, from Phoebe's desperate wish to have a child to Thea's request that Nick promise to help Astra. The book repeatedly shows mothers trying to protect and reassure their daughters across generations.
- Thea tells Astra, 'You are going to be loved... for exactly who you are,' after Astra confesses she feels broken.
- Phoebe tries to get pregnant because she fears dying young like her mother and wants to live until her child is at least as old as she was when her mother died.
A parent's hidden inner life
Astra and Phoebe discover that their mother had a private history—an old lover, letters, and journals—that they never knew. The promised box of keepsakes turns out to be disappointingly ordinary, suggesting a parent can never be fully known.
- Astra finds her mother's old diary and reads entries about Cutter, encountering a younger Thea she had not known.
- Cutter's box contains postcards, receipts, train tickets, and an obituary rather than intimate letters, making the promised revelation feel hollow.
Betrayal and vulnerability
Astra is wounded by people who exploit her private grief, from the black-room pranksters to Adrian's hidden involvement. The narrative links confession with shame, and shows how daring to be vulnerable can lead to betrayal.
- In the pitch-black room, Astra confesses her virginity and her role in refusing antibiotics for her mother, then realizes the interviewers are not Cross & Key.
- Adrian admits he was in the black room with Cynthia and Josh Larraby after repeating details only someone there could know.
Composure and putting others at ease
Both Astra and Thea perform calmness to protect other people from their pain. Thea wears a wig not for vanity, and Astra lies to a taxi driver that she had a fun weekend; private emotional release is separated from public composure.
- Astra tells the taxi driver she had a fun weekend because she feels her job is to put others at ease.
- After pulling a child from a pool, Astra walks behind the clubhouse and sobs, separating her private fear from her emergency calm.
Symbols and Motifs
Water
Water represents grief, danger, and the possibility of letting go. It appears in the drowning accident and in Thea's dreams of loss.
- Allie floats face down in the pond and is revived by Thea, who performs CPR and uses the AED.
- Thea dreams of dark water rushing down stairs and waves pulling at her daughters.
Doors and gates
Doors and gates symbolize barriers between safety and danger, and moments of escape or exclusion.
- Astra escapes a bear by forcing open a rusted gate and later thinks of it as a dress rehearsal for doors shut against her in danger.
- Astra escapes Cutter's house by unlocking a deadbolt and running out.
Maternal objects
Clothing and other personal objects carry the mother's physical presence after death, offering the living a way to feel close to her.
- Astra puts on her mother's green wool duster and smells the faint warm trace of her mother's perfume.
- Patty arrives for Thanksgiving wearing a scarf that Astra's mother gave her.
The letter box
The leather box of keepsakes represents the promise of unlocking a parent's hidden self, but its ordinary contents reveal that a person cannot be reduced to objects.
- Cutter gives Astra a leather box containing a postcard, a photo, hotel receipts, old notes, clippings, and Thea's obituary.
- Astra realizes the box is not the revelation she hoped for and is left disappointed rather than healed.