The Things We Never Say Themes
by Elizabeth Strout
Beneath its quiet plot, the novel wrestles with how much of life we actually control. Artie circles free will and fate, while his cheerful surface hides a suicide plan, and nearly everyone keeps something unspoken. It asks whether we can ever say anything real, and what makes someone a father.
On this page you will find each major theme tied to concrete moments, like Artie defending a mocked student or helping Danny erase graffiti. Also the recurring symbols: confectionary sugar, a pillowcase, the sailboat and water, and Reginald's letter, with what they reveal about comfort, kindness, despair, and chosen fatherhood.
Major Themes in The Things We Never Say
Free will and fate
Artie returns again and again to the question of whether people control their lives, from a party question to late-night conversations about Jung. By the end he feels carried toward whatever will happen, concluding that he lacks the free will to prevent it.
- At the Merrills' party, Artie asks Hoover Lakeland, 'Do you think there's any free will in this world?'
- Sitting in his car, Artie thinks, 'I will not have the free will to prevent whatever is going to happen to me,' and then walks inside thinking, 'Going to my fate, that's all I can do.'
Suicide, survival, and hidden despair
Artie's cheerful surface hides a two-month plan to kill himself, and his near-drowning gives him a moment of reprieve. The novel also links suicide to inherited permission when Rob fears that Artie's death would let him kill himself too, and Hoover Lakeland later shoots himself.
- The chapter ends with Artie's secret: for more than two months he has been planning to kill himself without his wife, son, or students knowing.
- Rob asks Artie directly whether he fell into the water on purpose and tearfully makes him promise never to kill himself.
- Hoover Lakeland shoots himself during the winter; his death is later cited as one of the blows that weighed on Artie.
Secrecy, omission, and unspoken truths
The book is filled with knowledge that people keep from one another: Artie hides his suicide plan, his shoplifting, and his knowledge of Rob's paternity, while Evie has kept the paternity secret for twenty-eight years. The narrator often notes that couples live with huge things silently between them.
- Artie begins a period of lying to his wife by omission, and they live their lie together.
- Artie thinks, 'This piece of knowledge is mine, and no one will take it from me,' when he resists telling Evie that Reginald is Rob's biological father.
- Artie thinks that they have always sat in the living room with this huge thing silently between them, only he had never known while Evie had known for twenty-eight years.
Fatherhood and inheritance
Rob's discovery that Reginald MacDonald is his biological father forces Artie to insist that fatherhood is chosen, not biological. The theme extends to Artie passing on his own father's advice to Rob and to Danny's conflict over his father's plumbing business.
- After Rob reveals that Reginald MacDonald is his biological father, Artie says, 'You're my son. It makes no difference to me.'
- Rob calls Artie for help breaking up with Rachel; Artie gives his father's old advice, and Rob successfully breaks up with Rachel at a diner.
- Danny is told he could teach Shakespeare instead of going into his father's plumbing business.
Loneliness and the difficulty of saying anything real
Artie repeatedly wonders why people never say anything real, and the novel ties this to the private, unknowable nature of being alive. Flossie's affair is explained by her loneliness, and Artie sees the Roper family as exquisitely lonely.
- After the party Artie says, 'I wonder why people never say anything real,' and Evie answers that no one at a cocktail party talks about a daughter's abortion, a child in rehab, or an affair.
- Artie understands that people don't say anything real because to say anything real is to say things nobody wants to know, and that being alive is a private thing.
- After the parent meeting, Artie watches the Roper family walk single-file to their car, not speaking, and they seem exquisitely lonely.
Compassion, kindness, and not judging others
Artie defends a mocked student, helps Danny erase graffiti rather than punishing him, and turns Rhonda's frightening-old-woman story into a lesson about judging people too quickly. Charles Schwartz shows the same mercy when he lets Artie go after seeing his pain.
- Artie angrily tells the class that no one is superior to anyone else after Danny Marino imitates Rhonda Lazarre's walk.
- Artie catches Danny Marino vandalizing the wall and helps him clean it, telling Danny he understands wanting to say fuck you to the world.
- Schwartz looks up Arthur Dam online, finds he was Teacher of the Year and has no criminal record, then returns Artie's license and lets him go, keeping the stolen shirts.
Symbols and Motifs
Confectionary sugar
Represents the craving for sweetness and small private comforts in a childhood marked by a violent, institutionalized mother. Maria ate it secretly in the cellar, and Artie understands it as her desperate wish for sweetness in her life.
- Artie remembers his sister Maria's death after a stillbirth and brain aneurysm, and a childhood memory of Maria secretly eating confectionary sugar.
- Artie remembers his sister Maria in the cellar as the surf pounds against the windows.
Pillowcase
Represents Artie's kindness and the private consolation his students carry with them. Rhonda keeps the pillowcase, sleeps with it against her face, and hides it from her mother, making it a secret treasure.
- Artie gives the pillowcase to Rhonda Lazarre.
- Rhonda Lazarre sleeps with a pillowcase hidden from her mother, treasuring it.
Sailboat and water
The sailboat and the ocean are where Artie plans to die, nearly drowns, and later finds a renewed feeling for life. The tiny sailboat Rob gives him becomes a promise of their future together.
- Artie rows out to his sailboat, slips into the cold water, cannot get his boots off, and is rescued by two men in a motorboat after nearly drowning.
- Two weeks after the near-drowning, Artie goes sailing alone, wearing sneakers at Rob's insistence; Evie watches from the wharf, and Artie feels the glory of the day.
- Rob and Francesca visit before Christmas and give presents, including a tiny sailboat with Rob's promise to go sailing with Artie that summer.
Reginald's letter
The deathbed letter is the physical object that reveals the secret of Rob's biological father and forces Artie to redefine what makes someone a father. It remains potent after Artie's death when Evie finds it and is devastated.
- Rob brings Artie inside, breaks down, and tells him that Reginald MacDonald wrote from his deathbed claiming to be Rob's biological father; Rob shows the letter and says a DNA test proved it was true.
- In a later time, after Artie's death, Evie finds a photo of Artie with Rhonda and Danny plus a letter from Reginald to Rob; her phone call with Rob devastates her.